How To Tell Your Spouse You Want A Divorce
If you are reading this, you have likely been agonizing for a long time about whether to stay or go. John Gottman’s research shows that the average distressed couple is unhappy for 6 years before getting help. Now that you have decided to divorce, the conversation may feel difficult to begin. How a person asks for a divorce is critically important as it will shape the way that the divorce unfolds. Here are some tips for how to tell your spouse you want a divorce.
Before you talk to your spouse, you should have thought about these things:
Get clear about why you are unhappy. First, examine what you have control over in these areas of your relationship and that you have done what you can to influence a different outcome. When a couple comes to my office for relationship help, what they want me to say to their spouse is “if you would change xyz, the marriage would be happy.” That’s never the case. In any relationship we participate in the dynamic and can change only our part. Second, be clear about what you are asking for that your partner has not provided. Doing some journaling would help clarify these things. Or perhaps see a counselor and get some tools.
Identify the things that you cannot continue to tolerate in the marriage, without blame or criticism. Which of these would be more palatable for your spouse to hear? “You are a slob and never clean up after yourself and expect me to do it.” Or “I can no longer continue to live in a house where I am responsible for all of the housework while working full time.” Hopefully you chose the latter. Hearing blame and criticism out of the mouth of another sets our brains into a fight or flight mode and makes communication more difficult.
Be sure that this is not due to extenuating circumstances like extreme work stress that might change, a death in the family, or a treatable mental health issue. We all have stressful times when we are not at our best and we need grace from our partners during these times. These should be longstanding issues that you have had multiple discussions about.
When you have made up your mind and are ready to share, here are 7 things to think about:
First, some straight talk. A divorce discussion should be face to face, not via text or written word. You made your vows face to face, and unless there is history of physical or emotional abuse and your soon to be ex is a toxic personality, you need to put on your big girl or boy panties and do it in person. This is respectful and kind.
Do it when you are calm and have time to have a discussion without interruption or other stressors. It should not be during a fight, when your spouse has a major presentation at work within a few hours or when you have a house full of company. And for Pete’s sake (who is he anyway???) don’t do it over a weekend away or an anniversary. That’s just mean.
Consider practicing the discussion with a friend or try writing out a version of what you might say.
Be prepared to be firm and compassionate. Your spouse may be caught off guard and have some emotion about this announcement. Allow them the space to process this and know that you are likely a way down the road from them. Let them express themselves, use your active listening skills and don’t get caught in blaming or defending yourself.
Decide if your decision is revokable before you begin. Would counseling help? Most couples that come into my office have one partner with a foot out the door and they have told their spouse they are done. Hearing that from your spouse can create urgency for change and sometimes that helps. Counseling is a lot cheaper than divorce.
If you are certain you are done, don’t agree to a trial separation. Distance creates distance. It prolongs the inevitable and is confusing. Separations only work if two people are working to build new skills and cannot be together without extreme conflict or triggering. It requires guidance and growth on both sides to put a marriage back together when separation is necessary.
You do not need to defend your decision. Your partner may want to argue with you as they are not at the stage of acceptance you are. You will never agree on history, and there is no point in debating it. You can say things like “I can understand how upsetting this is and that you are trying to make sense of it. I am not willing to talk about whether my decision is right or wrong AND I am not interested in talking about whose fault it is.” This is particularly important if you are dealing with someone with narcissistic personality traits. They will not take kindly to you announcing you are done, as it triggers their shame and they will attack.
Know that this decision to divorce is the beginning of a long process of untangling your marriage. Just because you decide you are done doesn’t mean you won’t need to live together for months as you separate assets and make financial decisions. Make this as friendly and easy as you can to help you both move through the divorce proceedings.
Start the conversation gently and firmly.
It might sound something like: “I have been thinking long and hard about our relationship and the way things have been between us. I am unhappy and it appears you are, as well. I am wondering if you think that things between us can be repaired or if you are ready to talk about divorce?” Be clear that you will not engage in a discussion about fault and that you are determined to have a civilized and fair divorce in which everyone’s needs are addressed, including theirs.
Once you both agree to move towards divorce, talk about how you will let others know of your decision. If you have children together, how will you tell them and when? Keep in mind that a long period of living together after an announcement of divorce is confusing to kids. It’s better to announce it just before living arrangements change.
Decide how will you tell close friends and family and what the soundbite will be. Think about which relationships are important to maintain and how can you be respectful of each other’s privacy with those? For example, no one needs to know about your partner’s mental health issues, sexual fetishes or your history of fights. If you are divorcing because of infidelity, you might not want to announce that to the in-laws as they will be angry and protective of the injured party. If you are the injured party, your feelings about what has happened to you will change with time. You will likely be glad to be free of an unhappy marriage a few months or years down the road and may even be willing to have a friendship with your ex. You can decide to forgive and let go of the hurt when you are in a better place, but your family and friends may not have an easy time of this. It can be particularly painful for family to deal with an ex that has behaved badly, and they may have difficulty being around that person at joint functions or kids’ events. Don’t let anger and hurt ruin your ex’s future relationships, no matter how you feel today.
After you decide to split
Maintain physical and emotional boundaries with your soon to be ex. Untangling a marriage takes time and effort and is confusing enough without complicating it with sex, intimate talk, or too much support. This is a time for each of you to begin building a well-rounded support system and to stop leaning on your history. It will help you move on. Move out of the shared bed so your nervous system can relax. Agree to respect each other’s privacy in the bathroom and bedroom. Separate your email, agree on privacy around texts and don’t open one another’s physical mail. You might also consider unfollowing one another on social media so you are not triggered by posts. This new relationship with one another will be less confusing with more privacy.
Keep your discussions focused on moving the divorce along and on supporting your children. You don’t need to rehash your history, explain yourself in detail or build a friendship at this point. Time may allow you to be friends or to resolve some of the past hurt but right now you need to focus on your own healing and your future.
Hire a team of divorce professionals that will help you make the best decisions for your future. If money and a friendly relationship with your ex is of concern, consider hiring a mediator or joint attorney to help you through the decision-making process. You might also want to work with a divorce coach, a counselor, or a divorce financial expert. Dealing with your hurt and anger with guidance will help you move on more quickly and cleanly. Making decisions about division of your assets will affect your financial future and possibly your relationship with you ex. It is important to keep a level head and get advice from someone able to see the full picture if you are dealing with a lot of emotion.
Making a decision to divorce is difficult and life changing. Taking action in a firm and respectful manner will help smooth some of the hurt feelings and pave the way to an easier future relationship as coparents. If that doesn’t convince you, maybe the savings in attornies fees will be more motivating?
Holly Herzog is a therapist, coach and writer who has been a practicing licensed professional in the US for over 30 years. She specializes in all issues that are relationship oriented, especially the relationship with yourself. After the ending of a decades long relationship, she found herself in need of the tools and a community that she now provides for other women with her newest venture, Grace Untethered. She offers support to women in midlife going through a divorce with encouragement to grow with integrity, grace and compassion.
Her e-course, Stagger, Stumble and Stand is chock-full of tips about how to heal your heart after a break up. It comes with hours of entertaining video instruction, pdfs, and meditations. If you are interested in individual or group coaching, contact her. You don’t need to do this alone.
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