Divorce and Holidays: Coping With Grief
Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh, O’er the fields we go, laughing all the way, ha ha ha ha…
It seems like we just finished with Christmas 2020 and I’m already hearing the music in the stores. The images that come up for me with these songs are of happy “in-tact” nuclear families, giggling while hugging one another and parents sharing bemused looks over the top of their children’s heads. Am I the only one that sees this when listening to Christmas music? What about those of us who are facing divorce and holidays and struggle coping with our grief?
Christmas has always been a magical time for me, and I’ll be the first to admit that I romanticize it all. So much so that when it arrives, I often collapse in front of the fire with a big sigh while everyone around me enjoys the fruits of my labor and I feel a mild sense of letdown. Especially when my kids were young and Christmas meant decorating cookies, sending holiday letters, making a magical show of Santa and attending multiple holiday functions with many overstimulated children and other exhausted adults. The holidays were a blur.
Divorce Depression and The Holidays
But each year I held onto the hope that this would be the year that I did it right and it all came together in that perfect family moment where my spouse and I were united, and I felt a sense of contentment. That didn’t happen. Instead, I ended up newly separated around the holidays and extra shattered by the reality of my situation after 22 years of marriage. I scrambled to make new plans while my kids did the traditional holiday things with their father’s family and tried to paste a smile on my face for everyone else’s sake. The truth is it almost broke me. The holidays were the cherry on top of a sense of failure about my marriage and my desire to have the perfect little family. It makes me teary just to think about it all and it has been seven years.
Divorce is particularly painful for most people around Thanksgiving and Christmas (maybe it even starts with Halloween!). Most of us have at least a few happy memories about past holidays and these are reminders of what we have lost. These positive memories can make you doubt your decision to divorce and ignite that little voice inside that says, “maybe I could have tried x,y,z and it all would have worked out.” If you are a people pleaser, this continuous examination of your part of the past equation may make you weary and feel a little crazy.
You may be missing traditions that you created with your ex that seem painful to do without them. You may miss the extended family gatherings and seeing the people that you have grown to love and feel left out and lonely. You are worried about how the divorce will affect your holidays schedule with your kids. You look around you and see the “Instagram” perfect life of everyone else and compare that to your “real” life and feel sad. Invitations to holiday parties change with divorce and couples may not invite singles. In fact, you may be alone a whole lot more than you want to be. It can be downright lonely.
The truth is that the past holidays were also full of hard things for most of us…like a task list as long as The Seven Mile Bridge, a budget that didn’t match the content of our dreams and tension with our spouse about which family would get what parts of our holiday. There may have been an excess of food and drink, arguments about who should be sober enough to drive and sex that was a chore at the end of a long task list. These are hard things about being in a relationship. We need to balance our romanticized thoughts with reality.
How to Cope with Divorce and the Holidays
So, what to do about your anxiety and depression around the holidays now that you are divorced or separated? Here are a few ideas:
1. On sad days, take a break from Instagram. You don’t need to torture yourself with the comparisons. Divorce depression and the holidays is a real thing. Allow yourself the space you need to grieve and wallow a bit. Feeling your feelings is the only way to heal. If you distract yourself with substances, food, tv, sex, shopping, etc. you will still have unresolved grief when that distraction is gone. Instead, get a journal, try meditation, see a counselor or work through our divorce support course and try to get yourself on the healing track. Feeling sad is a normal and healthy response to divorce.
2. Put your kids first. Ask yourself what is going to make your kids happiest and how can you support them having quality time with each parent. Along that vein, work with your ex to find what’s fair and best for your kids and set your hurt feelings aside as much as you can. Be the bigger person and feel good about your restraint. Christmas and divorced parents is hard for most kids. Don’t make it worse by putting them in the middle of your relationship with your ex, no matter how hurt or angry you are. One of my clients shared her painful news that her newly divorced ex was remarried already and had pictures taken with his kids and his new wife to send out as Christmas cards. Ouch.
3. Plan ahead. If you know you need to produce a new Christmas eve plan that doesn’t include your ex, do that. Make it different and try to imagine what new traditions you might want to create. One client recently shared that she is thinking of going skiing on Christmas Eve while her kids are with their dad. This sounds like a great nontraditional activity that will keep her busy and off Instagram. You may not feel like being social, but don’t sit home alone. It will create bigger problems.
4. Talk to your kids. Ask them what they would like to see continue for holiday traditions and what new things they might want to add. Ask them about their feelings and their expectations and give them your full attention. Really hearing and seeing them is a greater gift than anything you will put under a Christmas tree. If this is a year that you need to take a break from too much holiday activity to allow you all time to grieve, plan a day that involves low key family fun like working puzzles, watching movies or eating takeout. Your kids will also be grieving and trying to figure out a new normal.
5. Be flexible. Not all will go according to plan and there will be awkwardness and unexpected change. The fewer expectations you have the less you will be disappointed.
6. Do something for others. If you are feeling lonely and have too much time on your hands you can volunteer at a local shelter, feed the hungry people in your city or make someone else’s holiday a little brighter. It will feel good and give you purpose. My first Christmas alone I came home from work to find an anonymous gift basket filled with treasures. I felt seen and cared for and it made my holiday special.
7. Don’t spend more than you can afford. This is not the time to try to outspend your ex or be extravagant to avoid feeling sad. Imagine yourself opening your credit card bill and January and how that will feel. Communicate with your kids and family and set realistic expectations. Many of us have tighter budgets than we did while married and money is a worry. If your ex is spending more money on your kids and you are worried your kids prefer to spend time with them, let it be. Kids know when someone really wants to be with them and when they are being “bought” by a parent.
Surviving the holidays can be stressful after divorce. Especially the first year or two when emotions are fresh and kids are unsettled. Too often divorced parents get caught up in tallying time spent with each parent and who is buying what. Kids need a belief that everything will be okay. They want a sense of family, to see that their parents can work together and that even though things are different they can still be good. Just like us, they need support and hope for a better future.
And if that Christmas music gets to you, turn it off or put on a pair of noise cancelling headphones and finish your shopping in peace. You have enough to cope with.
Sign up for my women’s divorce support group starting in January. Special discount until Christmas. Enjoyed this blog and want to be on our mailing list? We also have blog posts on dealing with the emotions of divorce. Topics include how to know if it is time to divorce, the healing stages of divorce and how to manage anxiety during divorce.
For more on the topic of divorce and holidays, check out our YouTube video from 2020. You can also find us on Instagram and Facebook. You don’t have to do this alone.
