Healing After Emotional Abuse
I had an interaction with a near stranger last weekend that went sideways within 5 minutes of meeting this person. He made some assumptions about what I meant and believed that were inaccurate and would not listen to my explanation. This resulted in him aggressively speaking at me and leaning into the space, calling me an ugly name and them storming out the door and continuing to shout in the street. My heart was pounding, I felt near tears and sat stunned for quite awhile afterward.
If you know me, you know that I consider myself to be a kind and compassionate person who cares about equity, diversity and inclusion. The leap that this person took to assume otherwise caught me off guard. I am generally conflict avoidant and do not like being in the middle of a tense interaction, much less being the focus of it. It messed with my sleep and left me wondering how I could have handled it differently and what I could do if I had to face this person the next day.
Situations like these are a rare occurrence for me, fortunately. If you have been on the receiving end of something like this, I imagine you disliked it as much as I did. None of us deserves to be treated with disrespect, called names or have the feeling that we need to walk on eggshells around someone’s temper. I’m certainly glad that I don’t live with someone like this. I have compassion for those that do.
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse signs include making you doubt yourself, ignoring you, withdrawing affection when you’ve done something “wrong”, making you doubt yourself, denying something you know is true, yelling, name calling, shifting blame, extreme jealousy, unpredictable anger, and others. They usually have an element of control, shame, blame and accusation. A person who is being emotionally abused will over time lose confidence in their decision making and have a negative self image.
Emotional abuse can happen to anyone. It can happen in families, intimate relationships, work settings or friendships. There is no right or wrong way to feel about being emotionally abused, all emotions are valid. There’s also no right way to go about healing.
If you do end up being the victim of emotional abuse, I hope you will take some time to heal your heart.
Ways to heal emotional abuse:
1. Know that it may take some time to work through these feelings and you may be feeling strong and independent one day and uncertain and confused the next. Ending this relationship may be necessary. You also may really care about this person and miss them, even if you don’t miss the interactions.
2. You might have nightmares or flashbacks and feel like you are re-experiencing the trauma. You may need to get some professional help to deal with PTSD. A counselor can help you understand your experiences and learn some boundaries and behaviors that will protect you moving forward.
3. Learning to understand emotional abuse will help you to heal and to recognize it in the future. It will be important for you to learn what a healthy relationship feels and looks like and may take some time. Again, working with a coach or therapist will help you to recognize the warning signs.
4. Emotional abuse is never your fault. The other person may justify their behavior by blaming you for “making” them mad or implying that you deserve mistreatment. You are not responsible for someone else’s bad behavior, regardless of how you trigger them.
5. Document your feelings. Keeping a journal about events that occur can help you not only examine them in more detail and see them differently but can also be a source of fact checking when you begin to doubt yourself in the future. The journal I kept during my divorce was an important resource for me as I healed and doubted my memory.
6. Focus on your own needs. Figure out what would help you to feel better and do that. For me in this situation, I needed quiet to help me slow my nervous system and a conversation with someone I trusted to help me soothe myself while I processed it. I also spent some time writing about it and addressing the part of me that was afraid and upset.
7. Create a support system. We are often isolated by abusers who want us to be dependent on them or to doubt ourselves and be weak. A support system can help you by listening, offering feedback, providing comfort or distraction and validating your reality. After this happened to me, I called my adult daughter who is well educated about racial issues and played back the conversation and she was able to support me in a helpful way and give me some pointers.
I genuinely hope that if you are relating to this content that you are not living in a situation where you are on the receiving end of abusive behavior currently. If you are, please get some support and get yourself out of there. Here is the national domestic violence hotline number: 800-799-7233. Leaving an abusive relationship can also be dangerous, and you want to be educated about how to do this safely. If you have unfinished business about emotional abuse, please heal your heart so you don’t continue to tolerate abuse in future relationships.
You deserve to be treated with respect and love.
We all do.
Holly Herzog is a therapist, coach and writer who has been a practicing licensed professional in the US for over 30 years. She specializes in all issues that are relationship oriented, especially the relationship with yourself. After the ending of a decades long relationship, she found herself in need of the tools and a community that she now provides for other women with her newest venture, Grace Untethered. She offers support to women in midlife going through a divorce with encouragement to grow with integrity, grace and compassion.
Her e-course, Stagger, Stumble and Stand is chock-full of tips about how to heal your heart after a break up. It comes with hours of entertaining video instruction, pdfs, and meditations. If you are interested in individual or group coaching, contact her. She has a new women’s divorce coaching groups starting soon. Maybe focus on healing your childhood issues and beginning to date? You don’t need to do this alone.
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